Random thoughts

Well it's been a crazy week this week!

We've all had the winter cold/cough/sore throat in the last week or so with me being the last to get it but we're all better now. Rebekah's teething so we've got that fun!! Her fingers are always in her mouth, she's dribbling constantly & her cheeks are red. I feel so sorry for her. She generally does quite well when she's teething & apart from the tell tale nappies (any of you parents will know only too well) we just used to find  teeth already through. This time however, she seems to be struggling more. Poor thing.

Our tree is up!! I love decorating for christmas. Our house is very small but it always makes it seem quite cosy when it's all christmassy. This year it's a Johnson Christmas (my family). My Mum, Sister & her husband are coming to us as unfortunately I have to work Christmas day. It's all part of doing an unsocial job I guess but I've got the worst shift so I'll be sad when I have to leave at lunch time. We're gonna celebrate properly on Boxing day, but it'll be nice to get to see my family on Christmas day. Because we live so far away 7 usually work on Christmas day we haven't been all together on Christmas day in years, so it'll be really special.

I'm getting a blog makeover. It's a little birthday present to myself & I can't wait til it's done. We're just in the planning stages at the moment but, Danielle has been brilliant so far & I can't wait to see the finished product! Watch this space...

Well I need to eat my dinner then clean up so I'll say goodbye.

I'm an Auntie... again

We're all very excited in our house tonight. Tom's sister Esther, (who I've mentioned in a previous post) had a baby boy today!!!! He's a week overdue & I understand it was another long labour but Joshua Daniel finally made his appearance at lunchtime weighing a decent 9lb 1oz!!

It's the first baby boy in the family so very special. Esther already has a daughter, Hannah.

I'm looking forward to meeting him soon. Rebekah & Tom both have colds so we'll have to wait a bit.

On that note... I'm on a double shift tomorrow & both Rebekah & Tom are under the weather. Rebekah's teething & has a cold & Tom has a cold & cough. They're both very similar in that if they do get ill they spike extremely high temperatures so I hope neither of them get any worse & are ok tomorrow without me at home. 

I'm sure they'll be fine!!

 

Family, new shoes & praying

I can't believe it's been 3 days AGAIN since I last posted!!!! Whats happening? I've gone from blogging everyday to every 3days!!! I need to sort myself out.  I've either been out during nap time or slept myself.

Yesterday Rebekah, my sister-in-law Nicci & I went to see one our other sister-in-laws Esther & her daughter Hannah. Hannah is 5 months older than Rebekah so it's lovely for them to grow up together. Esther is expecting her second baby in 2 weeks so yet again we're having babies close together. Esther is Tom's older sister & we lived together before we were both married so it's great fun doing the Mummy thing together too.  They have a BEAUTIFUL home so it's always a nice relaxing day. It was a lovely treat to have Nicci with us too. Rebekah loves her Auntie Nicci. When I told her we were going to meet Nicci she said "bye Mummy". I tried to explain I wasn't going anywhere but I think she just wanted some time with her auntie. We are very blessed to have Tom's 2 brothers (and their wives) within a 5 minute walk so we see them a lot.

Rebekah got new shoes today. She didn't want me to put her shoes on yesterday so I figured it was time to get her feet measured again. Sure enough they'd grown so it was time to shell out a small fortune for new shoes. Her shoes cost more than mine!! All worth it for her feet to grow properly though. Anyway, I chose 2 pairs I liked & Rebekah had to try them on. I think she liked the first pair the best (purple, metallic, patent shoes with small leather flowers) and they were very pretty but I decided not practical for a toddler so we took them off & tried to get her to try on the second pair (brown with pink leather flowers). They're cute but not as pretty & Rebekah wasn't having it. She ran away from the lady, giggling as she ran around the shop. The lady was trying everything under the sun but no avail so after a stern word from Mummy Rebekah gave in. I couldn't understand why she was making such a fuss. She kept saying they hurt but I got her to walk around anyway (unsympathetic Mummy). After she started whimpering I took them off only to find the lady had left the tissue paper in the toe of the shoe!!! No wonder it hurt. After that it took us twice as long to get her to put them on again. In the end she left with her shoes on & very proud.

She must have liked them because she couldn't wait to show them to Tom when he got home! In fact they also got mentioned twice in her bedtime prayer (along with her new buggy)! Her prayer tonight was the longest & cutest prayer I've ever heard. As I've mentioned before, we all pray together before Rebekah goes to bed. Her prayer is usually 1 or 2 words at the most followed by 'amen'. Not tonight. Tom was at church so after I prayed Rebekah had her turn. She went on & on & on. I couldn't understand most of it but it went something like this (I'll use dots for the bits I couldn't understand) ... Daddy & Beka... Daddy go home... shoes... Beka... Daddy... shoes... Mummy... buggy... shoes... Daddy... buggy. Every time I opened my eyes she clasped her hands back together & just carried on.  It was beautiful and yet SO funny. I had to stop myself from laughing.  The cynical side of me thinks she was stalling bedtime but the other side of me was beaming inside (even if I only got 1 mention).

Anyway Tom's just got home & it's late so I better go. Hope you're all ok. I'll try to blog sooner this time!

  

Supper Club (& a brief catch up first)

Well it's been a busy few days & I can't believe I haven't blogged since Thursday!! Between working Friday & Sunday (which actually were both pretty good shifts) & a family day out on Saturday I just haven't had the time or the energy.

On Saturday we went to The Baby Show as a family. I really enjoyed myself & we even bought a new double buggy. Tom had taken quite a bit of persuasion to go as he thought we were just paying to go shopping. He doesn't really like shopping at the best of times.  So after a lot of persuading off we went. Since before I was even pregnant I knew which buggy I wanted so even though it's expensive, when I saw it with a HUGE discount we snapped it up. It's the Phil & Teds sport so we'll be able to start using it straight away for Rebekah then convert it to a double when baby arrives. It's perfect because I use public transport or walk everywhere I need something fairly small. Check it out here. We got it in red.

At our church we have recently started a 'Supper Club' on a Sunday evening.  The church is opened up for some of the local homeless people or anyone who needs a hot meal.  The food is cooked by various members of the church & it's another opportunity to reach out to the local community. Last night I helped out & I wanted to share what happened.

I didn't really know what to expect when I went last night. It was only the second week so only a few people have been coming. I expected to just go down, help serve food, eat dinner with the people who came, clear up & go home. What I wasn't expecting was the emotional response that went on inside myself.

I was talking to a guy from our church who has recently come out of a christian drug & alcohol rehab program. He & his girlfriend have been coming to our church for a few months now & we were just chatting and sharing our experiences of addiction when the first men arrived for dinner. I have never personally struggled with addiction but I have experienced it first hand through my Dad & my ex-boyfriend.  For those of you who have ever loved someone who is struggling with addictions you will know how hard it is to watch that person damage themselves and those that love them & there is nothing you can do.  The lies & deceit, being constantly let down, not being able to trust the person you love the most is indescribable & I can honestly say that my experiences with my Dad & my ex have been the most painful times  in my whole life. Even as I sit & write this I feel physically sick remembering some of those feelings.  But thankfully I serve a God who can break the chains of addiction and bring healing, which he has done & now all those sad memories & feelings live in the past.  Without Him I don't know how I'd have got through those times. 

Anyway, as  we were chatting these men arrived for their dinner. One was so drunk he could hardly walk so the other led his friend to the table & they sat down.  I don't know whether it was talking about my past or being pregnant but within a few minutes of these men arriving I felt like I had to get out of there!  There was no feeling of compassion or love for these men I just felt sick & scared. I thought I was going to break down & cry in the middle of the hall.  It was like being in a room with my Dad when he was at his very worst. Homeless, smelly & very drunk. The smell of these men took me straight back about 10years & I did not like it or think I could handle it.  My Dad is thankfully not totally like this anymore.  He is not homeless &  although he is still an alcoholic  I do not see have to see him that way. One of the things that I respect most about my Dad is that when he comes to visit me & Rebekah he doesn't drink. He has told me before that he stops drinking the day before.  It means a lot to me as I have no intention of ever letting my children see him the way I used to have to.  We see him every couple of months.

I was not expecting any kind of reaction like that & I was shocked. As I said before I have no idea what caused it & when Tom & I were talking about it later we couldn't work it out. I've worked with homeless, alcoholics in the past & it's never bothered me but last night...

I managed to get over it pretty quickly & by the time we'd served the food I went over & joined them at their table to eat with them & it was fine & I even enjoyed myself. I guess I learnt that however healed your heart has been there are still things that can trigger old feelings & emotions.  It's not necessarily a bad thing. After all it is often our experiences that help to shape us.  You just need to pick yourself up, keep your eyes firmly fixed on Jesus & not dwell on them or give them a foothold again.

On lighter note if MckMama does a link for 'Not me Monday' I will post again later, otherwise I'll be back tomorrow!

Back to work tomorrow & hospital appointment

I've just put Rebekah to bed & I'm come downstairs an emotional wreck!! I won't see her now 'til Saturday morning & I'm bawling my head off!!! Tom's out helping at the youth club at the church so the blog gets it!! I know I'm probably over-reacting but I'm pregnant so I'm allowed right?

I'm back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks off. I've had 2 weeks holiday, 2 weeks sick & 2 weeks either side of the sick time where my shifts have been at the end of the week so it's amounted to some pretty good quality time with my precious girl.  I think that's why I'm so emotional. I'm going to miss her so much! I know it's only 36hrs but it feels like a life time & I worry what she'll do without her mummy. I'm more upset than when I first went back to work in February!!! I know she'll be fine in reality. After all she's managed the last 8 months while I've been at work. Plus she loves spending time with her Granny.  

Tom's Mum comes & looks after her once a week which is a Godsend. I love the fact that Rebekah is looked after by family & it gives her a special bond with her Granny. I work 2 days a week & the other day Tom looks after her. I just wish I didn't work at all. Bring on the maternity leave (only 4 months away).  I think what also makes it hard is because she has changed so much in the last 6 weeks. She's talking now but any of you who've had toddlers will know that when they first start talking it's usually only Mummy who understands at first so Granny will have an interesting day. I'm sure she'll figure it out ;).

The good news is I went to the hospital today & my blood pressure was pretty good, so everyone's happy. The other good news is I don't have to go back for 2 weeks. After going in weekly for the last few weeks I'm really glad. I still have to have my BP checked next week but I can go to the community midwife for that.  Rebekah will probably miss our weekly trips. She loves it!! Because I work there she gets loads of attention when we're there and they all know her by name now.  The last couple of visits she's cried when it's time to go! I wish I felt like that! Maybe she could go & do my 14hr shift tomorrow!! Hee hee.

Well I better go but I'll let you know how it goes at work tomorrow. There's been a lot of changes while I've been off so I think I'm probably a bit nervous too which doesn't help my emotions. Hey ho. I'm sure it'll be fine. 

Ramblings updated

After re-reading my last post I realised I probably needed to clarify a couple of things. When I said that being selfish and looking after a newborn are impossible I didn't mean that I'm never selfish. I can be incredibly selfish but when Rebekah was born it was not an option. Newborns are totally reliant on their parents to look after them. When Rebekah was hungry, had a dirty nappy, trapped wind, or just needed a cuddle, I couldn't ignore her because I wanted to do something else. I had to just tend to her needs. 

This honestly didn't feel like a sacrifice.  I was so in love with my baby I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do than hang out with her & Tom or do things.  I got far more enjoyment in buying little things for her than for myself.  I love buying presents anyway so I think that's probably one of my 'love languages'. 

I loved that when she was hungry I was the only one that could feed her. I used to say I'd express milk and Tom could feed her but we only did that once. Tom never felt that he needed to feed her, he has always given her a bath every day and there are always nappies to change so there was plenty to keep him involved. When I offered to express so he could feed her he kindly said "no, thank you". He always said he knew I was happy to express for him but he also said he knew how special it was to me to feed her & he didn't want to take that way from me. Both Rebekah & I loved breastfeeding (in fact she only self-weaned in the last month). It was such a precious time. Yes, she always wanted feeding the moment Tom finished making our dinner, but, after eating a few cold dinners I learnt to feed & eat at the same time (not much comes between me & my food!). It also meant I couldn't go out before she went to bed & I always had to make sure I was back before she'd wake for her next feed but in the scheme of things it's not really much of a sacrifice & it probably only lasted a year. After months of breastfeeding, Rebekah wouldn't take a bottle anyway so it wasn't an option. Why have a bottle of breastmilk when you can have it direct eh?

After 20 months I admit that there are plenty of times where I think how much I'd like a day to just do what I like. Sleep late, read all day, watch what I want on tv, go shopping on my own, eat when I like and not have to think about nap time, meal times, healthy meals etc but I can't. As much as the selfish part of me would like to just be selfish this is not an option. At the end of the day I am a Mother first and Rebekah & the 'bump's' needs have to come first.

Tom was listening to a sermon this week on parenting by Ted Tripp and he was saying (this is somewhat paraphrased) that your children are only young for a small percentage of your life so aren't they worth laying down/sacrificing your hobbies etc to commit to spending time with your family? This is not to say that you can never take time for yourself but you can not expect to spend a lot of time doing things you like when you have a young family. When your kids are grown up there will be plenty of time for that.

Sorry, this update has become more of another ramble rather that an update but I hope I've managed to get my feelings across and you understand what I meant. I am definitely better at expressing myself by talking (which I do a lot of) than writing.

Who we are...

It's nap time in our house (which is a wonderful time of the day as all you parents out there will know) so I thought I'd sit down and let you know a bit about us...

We are a Jesus loving, Bible believing, growing family of 3 and a bump.  We live in a pretty run down inner city area in the North of England which is undergoing much needed regeneration. Tom & I met when we both moved here in the summer of 2001 to join Eden which is a urban community based christian youth project. 2 years later we were married and we are still here, part of the community.  Tom is my wonderful husband. He's 26 and works as a radio producer &  presenter for a Christian radio station. I am 30 (just) and am a midwife when I'm not home looking after our daughter. Rebekah is our beautiful daughter. She's 20 months now and what a fun age!!! She's starting to talk and exert her Independence. She is very strong-willed (like both her parents) and a little chatterbox (like her Mummy). Her favourite thing to do is read (like Daddy) and if everyone is busy she will happily read to herself or her teddies. Our latest addition, 'Bump' is currently 13weeks and due to make an appearance on the 5th of May 2009. I love the idea of a 'May baby' but if Rebekah was anything to go by we'll be meeting 'bump'  a bit earlier!

I LOVE being pregnant!!! However, pregnancy does not love me. I have 'high risk' pregnancies due to my blood pressure. In both pregnancies my blood pressure (bp) has gone through the roof at 12weeks. Last time, in spite of this, Rebekah was born safe and well at 36wks. This was against many peoples expectations & I firmly believe this was the power of prayer. In fact I even got a break from the medication for a couple of months in the middle!! This is not normal. Anyway, a week ago I started on the medication after being in & out of the hospital over 3 days.

I don't know what will happen this time around, will I be "lucky" like last time. I sincerely hope & pray I will but at this point I have no other choice but to willingly place my health and my baby in my heavenly Fathers arms and trust Him. 

Some of you reading this, probably think I'm crazy but after following God for so many years I can truthfully say that through the good & the bad & all the highs & lows life has thrown at me I wouldn't be the person I am if I had not completely placed my life in His hands. It's sometimes scary, don't get me wrong, but it's certainly the safest place to be, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be!!