Friday, 10 July 2009

Fear... You'll probably think I'm crazy!

True fear is horrible. One of the worst feelings in the world. It's crippling & paralysing and often totally irrational but real none-the-less. This post is probably going to make me look crazy but I don't really care. It's honest & true & I have to get it out there. I've been 'writing' this post in my head all night since I heard Tom utter the dreaded words that instill instant panic in me "babe, she's been sick".

As I mentioned previously, I have a completely irrational fear of vomit. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt, my biggest fear. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I'm afraid of but I'm terrified! I'm not afraid of being sick myself, I don't like it but it doesn't scare me. I'd rather be sick myself than have someone else in my family be sick. I do know where it stems from though. When I was four years old we were at my grandparents house & I was handing out biscuits (to this day I still remember what type they were... bourbons). While we were all eating my Grandpa was sick into the bin beside him. Later that night he was admitted to hospital where he died. I never saw him again after he threw up. I'm not sure what he died from. Until I was 11 or 12 I thought it was the bourbon biscuit. But, ever since then I have panicked when people vomit.  I remember one time my sister was sick when she had measles & I was sat on the landing wrapped in a towel shaking with fear. I even remember panicking when the cat was sick (I told you I'd sound crazy).  I'm scared of vomit touching me. I don't know why but I remember my sister throwing up one night & it going on my duvet. I was paralysed in the bed.

As I got older I thought I'd grown out of it. At parties people would throw up when they were drunk  and although it was gross, it didn't scare me. Then I became a nurse. Working on a surgical ward people were sick all the time from the anaesthetic. I'd just give them a bowl & leave them to it. Although it didn't send me into a panic I struggled to be around it so I always made  myself busy or made an excuse to get away.  My parents have both told me they didn't know how I'd cope as a nurse but I did so as I said, I figured I'd grown out of it. One night I heard my housemate throwing up. I was rooted to the spot & that old, familiar sense of fear came flooding back. I realised then that I was fine at work because I was not emotionally attached to the patients but if there was any emotional attachment I was terrified. 

This didn't really affect me day to day. I didn't really think about it. Until Tom was sick one day. I couldn't even go in our room. When we went to bed I just lay in bed shaking so ended up sleeping downstairs. I have done that whenever he's thrown up since. I just can't be around it. It was at that point I started worrying about it more. Any time he gets up in the night I worry he's going to be sick. If he goes upstairs for no apparent reason I worry he's going to be sick. I know it's completely irrational but I'm gripped by it. I always figured when I had kids I'd get over it but if anything it's worse. If I'm totally honest about it I probably think about it every day!! Even last night when I was getting her pyjamas ready & I got the last clean set out of the drawe I wondered what I'd change her into if she was sick. WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?????? It's not normal. There was no reason for her to be sick. I just obsess about it & it's crazy & wrong.  As a baby Rebekah was sick all the time & that was fine but it was when she was sick properly for the 1st time I panicked. I worry Tom will catch it & be sick too.

As this fear has got worse & worse I've begun to despise it. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I spent all day convinced Rebekah was going to throw up. The crazy thing was, there was no reason for it. At that point I knew I needed to do something about it so I've started really praying about it. I need it to go!!

Last night I was slightly better  than I have been previously. I didn't worry about Tom being sick which is a first. I was useless at dealing with poor Rebekah but I got towels, changed the bedding & ran a bath for her. Tom held her & reassured her. It breaks my heart that I go to pieces at a time my she needs me & I don't know what I'd do if Tom wasn't there to deal with it. Of course like any poorly child she wanted her Mummy so I had to get over myself & cuddle her. I can't imagine what she must think. Why her overly affectionate mother goes cold when she's sick. Tom said he saw the colour drain from my face when I came in her bedroom. Poor little thing.

Thankfully she hasn't thrown up again since about 1am & has slept well (is still asleep) although I've been awake most of the night worrying & praying. Grace was fab last night & only woke once for a feed... Typical! I bet when I'm exhausted tonight she'll wake up loads.

If you pray... Please pray for me!! I want & need to get rid of this fear. I don't want to live with it anymore!! If you've read the whole of this LONG post, thank you!

1 comment:

Amy said...

you are not mad! I have/am getting over a fear of my family being ill at all. The one thing that has super helped is to name, out loud, the real fear. In my case I say "I am scared my... will die and I will have missed something that could have saved them." I give that fear to God over and over and ask for his peace. Saying it out loud shows me how irrational I am being and helps to put it into perspective. I am not really afraid of illness, I am afraid of those I love leaving me. I also cast out the devil. He loves doing anything that makes us useless. But in Jesus we can tell him where to go. So I do, very loudly. Over and over if needs be Then to fill up the gaps he left I try and praise God.(Demons flee from the name of Jesus) Does any of this make sense?

I will of course pray for you too. I hope that you have a very peaceful day.
Amy. (friend of Liz)