Fear... You'll probably think I'm crazy!

True fear is horrible. One of the worst feelings in the world. It's crippling & paralysing and often totally irrational but real none-the-less. This post is probably going to make me look crazy but I don't really care. It's honest & true & I have to get it out there. I've been 'writing' this post in my head all night since I heard Tom utter the dreaded words that instill instant panic in me "babe, she's been sick".

As I mentioned previously, I have a completely irrational fear of vomit. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt, my biggest fear. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I'm afraid of but I'm terrified! I'm not afraid of being sick myself, I don't like it but it doesn't scare me. I'd rather be sick myself than have someone else in my family be sick. I do know where it stems from though. When I was four years old we were at my grandparents house & I was handing out biscuits (to this day I still remember what type they were... bourbons). While we were all eating my Grandpa was sick into the bin beside him. Later that night he was admitted to hospital where he died. I never saw him again after he threw up. I'm not sure what he died from. Until I was 11 or 12 I thought it was the bourbon biscuit. But, ever since then I have panicked when people vomit.  I remember one time my sister was sick when she had measles & I was sat on the landing wrapped in a towel shaking with fear. I even remember panicking when the cat was sick (I told you I'd sound crazy).  I'm scared of vomit touching me. I don't know why but I remember my sister throwing up one night & it going on my duvet. I was paralysed in the bed.

As I got older I thought I'd grown out of it. At parties people would throw up when they were drunk  and although it was gross, it didn't scare me. Then I became a nurse. Working on a surgical ward people were sick all the time from the anaesthetic. I'd just give them a bowl & leave them to it. Although it didn't send me into a panic I struggled to be around it so I always made  myself busy or made an excuse to get away.  My parents have both told me they didn't know how I'd cope as a nurse but I did so as I said, I figured I'd grown out of it. One night I heard my housemate throwing up. I was rooted to the spot & that old, familiar sense of fear came flooding back. I realised then that I was fine at work because I was not emotionally attached to the patients but if there was any emotional attachment I was terrified. 

This didn't really affect me day to day. I didn't really think about it. Until Tom was sick one day. I couldn't even go in our room. When we went to bed I just lay in bed shaking so ended up sleeping downstairs. I have done that whenever he's thrown up since. I just can't be around it. It was at that point I started worrying about it more. Any time he gets up in the night I worry he's going to be sick. If he goes upstairs for no apparent reason I worry he's going to be sick. I know it's completely irrational but I'm gripped by it. I always figured when I had kids I'd get over it but if anything it's worse. If I'm totally honest about it I probably think about it every day!! Even last night when I was getting her pyjamas ready & I got the last clean set out of the drawe I wondered what I'd change her into if she was sick. WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?????? It's not normal. There was no reason for her to be sick. I just obsess about it & it's crazy & wrong.  As a baby Rebekah was sick all the time & that was fine but it was when she was sick properly for the 1st time I panicked. I worry Tom will catch it & be sick too.

As this fear has got worse & worse I've begun to despise it. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I spent all day convinced Rebekah was going to throw up. The crazy thing was, there was no reason for it. At that point I knew I needed to do something about it so I've started really praying about it. I need it to go!!

Last night I was slightly better  than I have been previously. I didn't worry about Tom being sick which is a first. I was useless at dealing with poor Rebekah but I got towels, changed the bedding & ran a bath for her. Tom held her & reassured her. It breaks my heart that I go to pieces at a time my she needs me & I don't know what I'd do if Tom wasn't there to deal with it. Of course like any poorly child she wanted her Mummy so I had to get over myself & cuddle her. I can't imagine what she must think. Why her overly affectionate mother goes cold when she's sick. Tom said he saw the colour drain from my face when I came in her bedroom. Poor little thing.

Thankfully she hasn't thrown up again since about 1am & has slept well (is still asleep) although I've been awake most of the night worrying & praying. Grace was fab last night & only woke once for a feed... Typical! I bet when I'm exhausted tonight she'll wake up loads.

If you pray... Please pray for me!! I want & need to get rid of this fear. I don't want to live with it anymore!! If you've read the whole of this LONG post, thank you!

Housing... No, tiredness

I was going to do a post about the nightmare that is our housing situation (well nightmare might be a bit dramatic & strong, 'stress' is probably a better word) but I don't think I've got the energy so I'll save it for another day.

After you have a baby EVERYONE asks you if you're tired!! I never really know how to answer. I guess I am but isn't that normal? I'm certainly not as tired as I was when I was pregnant. Having a toddler & a baby is definitely easier than being pregnant with a toddler. Especially when you only do 'high risk' pregnancies & have to get two buses each way to the hospital twice a week on top of 'normal' day to day life.  I have to say the most tired I have ever felt is during the 1st trimester of both pregnancies.

Anyway, this week I AM TIRED!!!! I just want to lie down & sleep most of the time. I even had a 2 hour nap on Sunday which was a real treat. I haven't napped since Grace was born & I love naps!! I used to often nap while Rebekah was napping but now Grace is here I seem to breastfeed most days during nap time. I need to try to co-ordinate the girls sleeps if I can but I'm not very good at implementing new routine & can't remember how to get a baby into one! I think we just gradually got Rebekah into one.

We're all tired in our house at the moment (well maybe apart from Grace). As I type this, Rebekah is lay in my lap rubbing her eyes, Tom is already at work & Grace is upstairs still asleep (lucky girl).  We've only been up a little over an hour but Rebekah missed her nap yesterday as we had her cousins & my sister-in-law visiting. It was lots of fun but after they left Rebekah was pooped & it was too late for a nap. Unfortunately she woke up earl this morning so I think I'll have a wingey toddler later!

Tom & I seem to go to bed SO late. It's often midnight which is crazy when you have 2 young children & you're up at 6am every day. It's mostly because we just get chatting & lose track of the time. I'm usually up twice in the night to feed Grace (which actually isn't so bad) so it's not really surprising I guess. I must admit though, I wish Rebekah slept later. I don't mind feeding Grace in the night, I don't fully wake up anyway (the beauty of breastfeeding). It's getting up in the morning I don't like. Mmmmmm... a lie in.

Anyway I better go. Grace has got up now, been fed, is back asleep & Rebekah is waiting by the buggy to go to our toddler group. Then home & hopefully a nap for all of us!! 

Almost woordless Wednesday...

Today you're being treated to a couple of pictures of my beautiful Grace. I had planned to post some more of both girls but Grace has just woken up & wants feeding... AGAIN & these are the two that don't need editing so can be posted while I feed.

Sleeping beauty

1st smiles caught on camera

 

Nappies & potty training

What beautiful weather we've been having in the last few days!!! It seems like summer has finally come & I'm loving it! As a self-confessed nappy addict I love the type weather where my girls can just wear a gorgeous, pretty nappy and a t-shirt. Or like yesterday, just a nappy. Don't worry, they wear a skirt if we're out!! I don't embarrass them that much! Although Rebekah likes to show off her favourite 'pretty' nappies anyway! Like Mummy, like daughter!

Rebekah loves being outside & she spent most of the day yesterday playing naked in the yard. She even managed a wee in the potty!!! She was very proud! I'm not actually potty training her but she'd woken up with a sore bum so given the heat I thought I'd let her not wear anything & told her to use the potty if she needed it. We've done it once before & she managed a wee after a little accident first. Yesterday my mother-in-law was visiting & we both kept asking her if she needed a wee... It had been hours. She kept saying no then I found the key... "Rebekah" I said "if you do a wee on the potty you can have some chocolate". That was all it took. A couple of minutes later she came running into the kitchen "I did it! I did it!... Chocolate?" After ensuring she was definitely going to get some chocolate she strode around the house telling me & her Granny repeatedly "I did a wee on the potty!!"

You might wonder why I'm not potty training her properly yet... Do you want the honest answer? Ok, I'm dreading it!!! I'm terrified! I don't have the first clue how to do it & I think maybe I'm scared of us both failing at it!! A few people I know have said it's the biggest parenting challenge they've had so far! The thought of all the accidents, weeing on the floor, in her clothes etc. The tears when she's embarrassed cos she's wet. The poo!! She's cloth bummed anyway so you may wonder what the difference is between a cloth nappy full of poo & a pair of knickers full of poo. I don't know, but it's just different!! I'm not entirely convinced she knows when she needs to poo. She never says anything about weeing or pooing. I've been surprised both times she's used the potty.  

My 2 other excuses (the ones I tell myself & other people all the time) are: 1) She's not ready & 2) I've been told you shouldn't potty train with in 3 months of a  major event in a toddlers life... i.e. a new baby sister. Grace will be 3 months old in 2 weeks (eek where does the time go?) so I guess I can't use that excuse for much longer.

As for not being ready... Who knows? How can you tell if a child's ready to potty train? Some people say "you just do" (that's not much use by the way!) others say the child will tell you. Rebekah's done neither & apart from 2 wees on the potty she never talks about needing the toilet. In fact I've just had to stop her as she prepared to poo on the carpet. She now says she doesn't need 'to go' when I've pointed to the potty. ARGH!!! Maybe I'll speak to the health visitor when we go for Graces vaccinations next week. I'm not too worried about it. I was 3 1/2 when I potty trained. In fact my sister (who's 20 months younger) was out of nappies before me!!

Does anyone have any advice? It's all welcome! This parenting lark is complicated!! 

 

I'm back!! A quick catch up!

After a 5 month break from blogging I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't tell you why I stopped, it was a combination of things. Rebekah was ill, then teething, then ill again, then I got lazy & then my pregnancy went crazy, I gave birth to another beautiful baby girl & somehow 5 months had past. Tom says it's been too long now & I shouldn't blog again but... I'm back.

I'll give a brief round up with the highlights of our life since I last blogged...

January

Rebekah was ill... she had a vomiting bug, I don't cope with sick at all. In fact I have a totally irrational, crippling fear of it! Not of being sick myself but of the people I care about vomiting. It stems from when I was 4 years old & I saw my Grandpa throw up, he was later admitted to hospital where he dies. The last time I saw him he was vomiting... I've had issues ever since. I probably worry about Rebekah vomiting once or twice a week & I think about Tom vomiting 4 or 5 times a week. I told you... totally irrational!!!

February

On the 13th I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (GD). It was a nightmare... I had to start on a VERY strict diet. No sugar at all, this included no fruit, except berries which my body tolerated. I had to check my blood sugar 7 times a day... yes 7 times. I wanted to avoid insulin so stuck to the diet like my life depended on it. I managed to avoid insulin (which the Dr's didn't expect) & the best part was that I lost 2 stone (28lbs)!!!

This was also the start of 9wks of very regular hospital visits. At best once a week at worst 4 times... normally twice. This was partly for my diabetes but also for my blood pressure. 

At the end of February my blood tests started coming back abnormal & this continued for the rest of the pregnancy.

March

Hospital appointments & more hospital appointments. March is a bit of a blur

April

The 1st half involved yet more appointments, more blood tests & weekly possible hospital admissions. After spending Easter weekend in & out of the triage unit & numerous phone calls to my Consultant (not the 'big chief', the other one Dr G) I was admitted on Easter Monday with raised BP.  Dr G  discharged me on Tuesday, my waters broke that night & Grace Bethany Ward was born on Wednesday 15th April. She was born very quickly & weighed 6lb 11oz (not the HUGE  baby they predicted following fortnightly growth scans). Thankfully, I didn't get pre-eclampsia. God answered so many prayers for this pregnancy & we are so thankful.

May & June 

Sleepless nights, breastfeeding, washing nappies, buying nappies (yes I'm still addicted), developing a new wool addiction, postnatal & baby checks for Grace & I & vaccinations.

We've been busy! 

Anyway this post is getting long, it's Rebekah's bedtime & also my wedding anniversary so I better go & give my family some attention. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I'll try better!

Woohoohoo!!!!!

Today was my first day, officially, medication free!!!!!! I'm not counting the days when I forgot to take it... Oops. 

I'm sure you're all wondering "who, what, where, when, how?" Last you all heard, the 'big chief' dr said no way!! Well, after my super emotional day on Sunday I was on a long day at work yesterday (14hr, double shift). The other Dr (also a consultant), who I tend to see more often, came on the ward. When she asked me how I was & what my BP was doing, my eyes filled up (again) & I explained what happened on Thursday. Because my BP is too low at the moment she stopped my medication there & then (exactly like last time when I was pregnant with Rebekah).

I was so thankful!! I'd been praying about it that morning, telling God exactly how mad, upset & disappointed I was & within hours He'd answered my prayer/rant. He is soooo good!!! Yet again, He has answered prayer & brought my BP down when it should be going up! 

I'm gonna have to to go, I'm shattered & I won't be able to write soon. Just wanted to share the good news!

Not me monday!!!!!

 

It's that time again. Weekly confession time. If you're new to all this then just read this post, check out the things I did not do this week then click on the button above & head over to MckMamas blog to join the carnival & check out what other people did not do too!

This week, when I was at the Science Museum with Rebekah I certainly did not get too busy chatting to my friend to realise that our daughters were each slowly emptying the contents of a salt shaker into the middle of the floor in the restaurant. I also did not, actually, find it quite funny when I saw their excitement as the salt ran out even though the waitress was clearly VERY unimpressed.

On the same outing, in the same restaurant I definitely did not ask the manager to search through the bins for the dirty cloth nappy (in a nappy sack I might add) that Rebekah had left somewhere. I'm pretty sure he thought I was crazy but what's a girl to do? That particular nappy does not come cheap!! I did not do this because that would mean I took my eyes off my daughter AGAIN & that I let her play with nappy sacks containing dirty nappies. That would be gross so I never let her do that no matter how much she loves bags ;)

We've had a tough week this week. Rebekah has been struggling with teething this week & has been off her food so Tom & I did not try to bribe her to eat breakfast at the weekend by offering her 'daddy's cheerios' (actually 'Wheetos' -chocolate flavoured cereal hoops). Chocolate flavoured cereal is not healthy for a toddler so we wouldn't dream of starting her day with unhealthy food.

I love being pregnant & as this pregnancy progresses I am not developing a bad case of 'baby brain'!! I did not get a phone call from work last Saturday wondering where I was because I thought I was working Sunday instead!!! I had not got my days all mixed up & I did not totally blame it on hormones instead of my own disorganisation!!!

That's it for this week! Let me know what you did not do this week... It's surprisingly liberating!

Hormonal & emotional.. again!!

I started writing out Rebekah's birth story yesterday but she wasn't letting have much computer time so I'll finish it another day. I would do it today but as the title suggests I'm way too emotional & hormonal.

I don't know why I feel like this today. I guess as girls we all get like this from time to time & being pregnant doesn't help. For those of you who haven't got kids, it's like PMT, for 9months. Mostly you're fine but then the smallest thing can set you off crying, yelling or just plain irritated!

Today it's tears for me. No particular reason. I started crying during the worship at church this morning (by the way, church is a GREAT place to cry!!) & just couldn't stop!!! I was feeling pretty crappy after taking my Nifedipine (tired, weak, light-headed & out of breath), Tom was playing drums so I had to hold Rebekah who was not in a good mood this morning & kept yelling & screaming, so the tears just started to fall.  I got thinking about the fact I'm still on the medication. I didn't take it the last 2 days (before you say anything, big chief said I could skip it here & there instead of stopping it)I got mad all over again & just couldn't stop crying. I was sooooo frustrated!!!! I could get on another rant but I don't want to bore you. 

Anyway, I'd managed to pull myself together by the end of church but then when I got home I was catching up on my favourite blogs & one of them set me off all over again!!!! Angie (from, bring the rain) has posted a beautiful video of her daughter Audrey (who passed away) & it just broke my heart. Maybe I should've waited til another day to watch it huh?

Anyway, I'm feeling better now & I think I'm going to take advantage of the rest of 'nap time', go upstairs, snuggle in bed, watch Dawson's Creek & eat some yummy chocolates that my friend Shona bought me. Oh... Maybe not. Rebekah's shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" from upstairs! Never mind ;)

Grrrrrrr!! Doctors!!!!

Bad news! I'm still on Nifedipine (my blood pressure medication)!!!

I went to the hospital today & even though my bp has been dropping for the last few weeks my Dr is making me continue on the medication. Why? Who knows!! I'm not at all impressed, in fact I'm pretty frustrated too. For the last few weeks I've been seeing a different Dr (also a consultant but not the big chief) and I was pretty sure that she'd let me stop it. Especially in the light of my recent bp readings & the fact I had to come off it last time too.  No such luck. In walked the big chief as he wanted to catch up with how I was doing. When I explained things & showed him my readings his response was "that's great". WHAT??? Last time it was a big deal that my bp was that low & I had to stop taking Nifedipine. I asked him if I should stop taking it but he said he didn't think it was a good idea because... I obviously need it, I'm on the lowest dose anyway, my bp's too unstable without it & finally, I'll have to re-start it at some point anyway. I reminded him that I came off it for 10wks in my last pregnancy but he was having none of it. 

If you've read my previous posts on this topic, you may remember that last time this same Dr was rather confused when my bp started dropping from being 20wks pregnant instead of going up (as would be expected). To try to explain matters, I told him people were praying, but he just ignored that statement like I hadn't spoken... Hee hee!  Anyway, he's not accepting it for a 2nd time so, for now, I'll keep going with the Nifedipine. He did say I could miss a day if I was feeling ill (from my bp being too low) but I usually feel fine 'til I take it! Oh well.

I have a lot of questions about why I still need it & why they won't let me come off it so I'm hoping I get to see the other Dr next time (and the specialist midwife).  It's not that I don't like him. He's very nice & one of the best specialists in the country, I just find the other Dr more approachable & less scary. I think she'll explain things better too rather than just dismiss the idea. We'll see. If you pray... Please keep praying for this pregnancy, my health, Bub's growth & health & that he/she won't be affected negatively by this situation.

Sorry this has been a bit of a rant (and now rather long). On a positive note... What do you think of my 'blog makeover'? I love it & I think Danielle did a great job! Thank you Danielle!

Snow & Science Museum

Yesterday we had a lovely day! In spite of tiredness! We woke up to lots of snow! Well, by English standards anyway. I can't remember when this much snow settled. Usually it falls, becomes slushy & ends up just looking dirty.  I spent a year in Canada '97-98 & I'll never forget the 1st snowfall that year... It started snowing in the evening, We'd just had a big family meal for Stevens birthday & we were watching a movie, when the movie was finished I went & looked out the front door. I had never seen so much snow in my life!!!! EVERYTHING was white. I started screaming for my friend Jay to come and look. At that point Eliz (one of the ladies I lived with & Jays Aunt) came flying downstairs asking "what's happened?!?!?!" "It's snowing!!" I yelled, "look how much there is!!" She looked at me & said "Eleanor, there will be snow til April (it was October), it's 2am, go to bed!!"

It still makes me laugh when I remember that night. Anyway, back to yesterday. When we left the house, we were greeted by lots of beautiful snow so I took some pictures.  We were on our way to meet some friends at the Science Museum. Once a month they do something called experitots for under-5s. It was lots of fun & I've posted a couple of pictures to show you. 

The view up our street

Rebekah outside our house

On our way to the bus stop. 

This is actually the church where Tom & I got married. 

I walked to the church on our wedding day... Followed by my car!!

Making a cup of tea at the Museum

Fun at the Museum

Hope you like these pictures! We had fun! Oh, by the way... The snow is all gone this morning!!! I've got a hospital appointment this afternoon... I'm praying I'll be off my medication this evening. Watch this space...

Tired, tired tired!!!

As the title suggests, I am sooooo tired. I am sleeping really badly at the moment. Maybe my body's preparing me for what's to come when Bub arrives. I wasn't like this when I was pregnant with Rebekah because I remember reading about it & thinking, "at least I don't suffer with that!"

I keep waking up, either for the loo or Rebekah (think she's teething again) & then I just can't get back to sleep!!!! It's awful! I lie there for about 2hrs just tossing & turning, wishing I could be asleep & thinking about how tired I'll be the next day. My mind goes into overdrive.

I've been worrying about all sorts... Whether I forgot to do anything at work, whether this baby will struggle to breastfeed like Rebekah did, how I'll manage with both kids if it does struggle etc. Oh, and labour & childbirth!!!

I don't know why I'm worrying about those things, especially breastfeeding & the birth. I know things always seem worse at night & I'm not generally a worrier so I can only assume it's the hormones (when in doubt...). For a start, I had a fairly easy labour with Rebekah. It was quick & I managed without any pain relief (I'll have to blog the full story another time) so there's no reason why it'll be worse this time. If anything, it'll probably be quicker! Unless... it was quick last time because I had pre-eclampsia. Maybe this is what I'm worried about.  As for breastfeeding, I REALLY, REALLY want to be able do it again!! I know it'll probably be fine, but sometimes it's not possible.  My friend Liz recently had a baby who was tongue-tied so couldn't latch onto the breast. She was amazing & gave him expressed breast-milk in a bottle. That just isn't viable with a toddler.  Rebekah breastfed for 20months & we had various problems along the way but overall it was a wonderful experience for both of us. She really struggled at first. Maybe because she was prem so her sucking reflex was under-developed but I dread that happening again. I'm scared I won't have the determination to battle through for 6wks again.  Ha ha ha... Even as I write that I feel sheer determination bubbling up inside so I think everything will be fine!!! I can be quite stubborn when I want to be!

Well now that I've poured my heart out (and you probably all think I'm crazy) I better go. 

Thanks for reading!!! I love getting your comments. It always makes me very excited! I know I'm sad but I do appreciate all of you even if I don't 'know' you.

I'm back... & 23wks pregnant!!

WOW!!!!!

Time really flies!! I can't believe I haven't blogged in soooooo long. There's no real reason other than the fact I haven't been on the computer so much & I've just been busy.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas & new year. We had a great holiday! Tom was off work for nearly 2wks so we had some great family time. I was still working but as it's only 2 days a week it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately I had to work Christmas day but we just celebrated on Boxing day instead. What with me being a midwife & my brother-in-law being a fireman we have to be pretty flexible about the day we celebrate Christmas. It's inevitable one of us will be working the year we're all with my Mum!!

Anyway we had a lovely time. My Mum, sister & brother-in-law came to stay for a couple of days then we celebrated with Toms family a few days later. New year was fairly low key but lovely. Tom & I have a tradition of doing something just the 2 of us on new years eve & this year we got a take-away, chatted & I was asleep for 10.30!!! Wild, I know!! We were going to go away with Tom's older brother Sam & his wife Nicci but Sam was ill so we couldn't. Instead we all had a little adventure on new years day & went to see where the boys grew up. It was a lovely day & Rebekah did really well as we spent most of the day in the car. We love spending time with Sam & Nic. They're great friends as well as family.

I've gotta go now as Rebekah & I need to get ready for our Mum's prayer meeting this morning. I just wanted to update quickly!

Oh, by the way... Great news.  Over the last couple of weeks, my blood pressure has been getting lower & lower!!!! It's great, but I am feeling it... light-headed etc. So... I am hoping I will be able to stop the medication this week!!!!! I'm seeing the consultant on Thursday so watch this space!