Fear... You'll probably think I'm crazy!

True fear is horrible. One of the worst feelings in the world. It's crippling & paralysing and often totally irrational but real none-the-less. This post is probably going to make me look crazy but I don't really care. It's honest & true & I have to get it out there. I've been 'writing' this post in my head all night since I heard Tom utter the dreaded words that instill instant panic in me "babe, she's been sick".

As I mentioned previously, I have a completely irrational fear of vomit. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt, my biggest fear. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I'm afraid of but I'm terrified! I'm not afraid of being sick myself, I don't like it but it doesn't scare me. I'd rather be sick myself than have someone else in my family be sick. I do know where it stems from though. When I was four years old we were at my grandparents house & I was handing out biscuits (to this day I still remember what type they were... bourbons). While we were all eating my Grandpa was sick into the bin beside him. Later that night he was admitted to hospital where he died. I never saw him again after he threw up. I'm not sure what he died from. Until I was 11 or 12 I thought it was the bourbon biscuit. But, ever since then I have panicked when people vomit.  I remember one time my sister was sick when she had measles & I was sat on the landing wrapped in a towel shaking with fear. I even remember panicking when the cat was sick (I told you I'd sound crazy).  I'm scared of vomit touching me. I don't know why but I remember my sister throwing up one night & it going on my duvet. I was paralysed in the bed.

As I got older I thought I'd grown out of it. At parties people would throw up when they were drunk  and although it was gross, it didn't scare me. Then I became a nurse. Working on a surgical ward people were sick all the time from the anaesthetic. I'd just give them a bowl & leave them to it. Although it didn't send me into a panic I struggled to be around it so I always made  myself busy or made an excuse to get away.  My parents have both told me they didn't know how I'd cope as a nurse but I did so as I said, I figured I'd grown out of it. One night I heard my housemate throwing up. I was rooted to the spot & that old, familiar sense of fear came flooding back. I realised then that I was fine at work because I was not emotionally attached to the patients but if there was any emotional attachment I was terrified. 

This didn't really affect me day to day. I didn't really think about it. Until Tom was sick one day. I couldn't even go in our room. When we went to bed I just lay in bed shaking so ended up sleeping downstairs. I have done that whenever he's thrown up since. I just can't be around it. It was at that point I started worrying about it more. Any time he gets up in the night I worry he's going to be sick. If he goes upstairs for no apparent reason I worry he's going to be sick. I know it's completely irrational but I'm gripped by it. I always figured when I had kids I'd get over it but if anything it's worse. If I'm totally honest about it I probably think about it every day!! Even last night when I was getting her pyjamas ready & I got the last clean set out of the drawe I wondered what I'd change her into if she was sick. WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?????? It's not normal. There was no reason for her to be sick. I just obsess about it & it's crazy & wrong.  As a baby Rebekah was sick all the time & that was fine but it was when she was sick properly for the 1st time I panicked. I worry Tom will catch it & be sick too.

As this fear has got worse & worse I've begun to despise it. It came to a head a few weeks ago when I spent all day convinced Rebekah was going to throw up. The crazy thing was, there was no reason for it. At that point I knew I needed to do something about it so I've started really praying about it. I need it to go!!

Last night I was slightly better  than I have been previously. I didn't worry about Tom being sick which is a first. I was useless at dealing with poor Rebekah but I got towels, changed the bedding & ran a bath for her. Tom held her & reassured her. It breaks my heart that I go to pieces at a time my she needs me & I don't know what I'd do if Tom wasn't there to deal with it. Of course like any poorly child she wanted her Mummy so I had to get over myself & cuddle her. I can't imagine what she must think. Why her overly affectionate mother goes cold when she's sick. Tom said he saw the colour drain from my face when I came in her bedroom. Poor little thing.

Thankfully she hasn't thrown up again since about 1am & has slept well (is still asleep) although I've been awake most of the night worrying & praying. Grace was fab last night & only woke once for a feed... Typical! I bet when I'm exhausted tonight she'll wake up loads.

If you pray... Please pray for me!! I want & need to get rid of this fear. I don't want to live with it anymore!! If you've read the whole of this LONG post, thank you!

Cloth addict!!!

My name's Eleanor & I'm a clothaholic!

That's right. I've not blogged the last few days because all my internet time has been spent on cloth nappy forums or websites. When I converted in the summer (thanks to MckMama) I never realised what a minefield it is!! There are so many different types & they're nothing like I imagined. I wore terrie's as a child with plastic pants & although they are still an option it seems few people use them. The choice is ridiculous!! I've mostly got pocket nappies & they're pretty close to disposables in ease of use. Definitely a lot prettier though!!

Thankfully I've been pretty sensible though & thought about longevity so poor Rebekah has to have pretty neutral nappies so they can be used if 'the bump' is a boy. You could spend a fortune if you wanted to or had the money. I'm still pretty new to the world of cloth but I'm loving it & I'm sure Rebekah's bum would thank me if it could!

I've got a few nappies on order & I can't wait to get them. I'll take photos when they arrive and share. I'm most excited about the 'finding Nemo' one for Rebekah's stocking. She's Nemo mad at the mo so I think she'll love it! 

I'd love to get her a Tinkerbell one (her only girly nappy) if I could find one. She's crazy about 'frays' (fairies to you & me). When she first saw adverts on tv for the recent Disney film she just used to giggle & laugh.  Then when we went on the Disney website she got very excited when she saw all the fairies. Now, every day, whenever she sees the computer she shouts "frays, frays, frays. Binkerbok, binkerbok (Tinkerbell, tinkerbell)". She'd sit & watch the preview & the first 6mins of the film online as often as she could. Needless to say, I bet you can guess what she's getting for Christmas!

Anyway, enough about nappies. Just thought I'd explain where I'd been!

Family, new shoes & praying

I can't believe it's been 3 days AGAIN since I last posted!!!! Whats happening? I've gone from blogging everyday to every 3days!!! I need to sort myself out.  I've either been out during nap time or slept myself.

Yesterday Rebekah, my sister-in-law Nicci & I went to see one our other sister-in-laws Esther & her daughter Hannah. Hannah is 5 months older than Rebekah so it's lovely for them to grow up together. Esther is expecting her second baby in 2 weeks so yet again we're having babies close together. Esther is Tom's older sister & we lived together before we were both married so it's great fun doing the Mummy thing together too.  They have a BEAUTIFUL home so it's always a nice relaxing day. It was a lovely treat to have Nicci with us too. Rebekah loves her Auntie Nicci. When I told her we were going to meet Nicci she said "bye Mummy". I tried to explain I wasn't going anywhere but I think she just wanted some time with her auntie. We are very blessed to have Tom's 2 brothers (and their wives) within a 5 minute walk so we see them a lot.

Rebekah got new shoes today. She didn't want me to put her shoes on yesterday so I figured it was time to get her feet measured again. Sure enough they'd grown so it was time to shell out a small fortune for new shoes. Her shoes cost more than mine!! All worth it for her feet to grow properly though. Anyway, I chose 2 pairs I liked & Rebekah had to try them on. I think she liked the first pair the best (purple, metallic, patent shoes with small leather flowers) and they were very pretty but I decided not practical for a toddler so we took them off & tried to get her to try on the second pair (brown with pink leather flowers). They're cute but not as pretty & Rebekah wasn't having it. She ran away from the lady, giggling as she ran around the shop. The lady was trying everything under the sun but no avail so after a stern word from Mummy Rebekah gave in. I couldn't understand why she was making such a fuss. She kept saying they hurt but I got her to walk around anyway (unsympathetic Mummy). After she started whimpering I took them off only to find the lady had left the tissue paper in the toe of the shoe!!! No wonder it hurt. After that it took us twice as long to get her to put them on again. In the end she left with her shoes on & very proud.

She must have liked them because she couldn't wait to show them to Tom when he got home! In fact they also got mentioned twice in her bedtime prayer (along with her new buggy)! Her prayer tonight was the longest & cutest prayer I've ever heard. As I've mentioned before, we all pray together before Rebekah goes to bed. Her prayer is usually 1 or 2 words at the most followed by 'amen'. Not tonight. Tom was at church so after I prayed Rebekah had her turn. She went on & on & on. I couldn't understand most of it but it went something like this (I'll use dots for the bits I couldn't understand) ... Daddy & Beka... Daddy go home... shoes... Beka... Daddy... shoes... Mummy... buggy... shoes... Daddy... buggy. Every time I opened my eyes she clasped her hands back together & just carried on.  It was beautiful and yet SO funny. I had to stop myself from laughing.  The cynical side of me thinks she was stalling bedtime but the other side of me was beaming inside (even if I only got 1 mention).

Anyway Tom's just got home & it's late so I better go. Hope you're all ok. I'll try to blog sooner this time!

  

Back to work tomorrow & hospital appointment

I've just put Rebekah to bed & I'm come downstairs an emotional wreck!! I won't see her now 'til Saturday morning & I'm bawling my head off!!! Tom's out helping at the youth club at the church so the blog gets it!! I know I'm probably over-reacting but I'm pregnant so I'm allowed right?

I'm back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks off. I've had 2 weeks holiday, 2 weeks sick & 2 weeks either side of the sick time where my shifts have been at the end of the week so it's amounted to some pretty good quality time with my precious girl.  I think that's why I'm so emotional. I'm going to miss her so much! I know it's only 36hrs but it feels like a life time & I worry what she'll do without her mummy. I'm more upset than when I first went back to work in February!!! I know she'll be fine in reality. After all she's managed the last 8 months while I've been at work. Plus she loves spending time with her Granny.  

Tom's Mum comes & looks after her once a week which is a Godsend. I love the fact that Rebekah is looked after by family & it gives her a special bond with her Granny. I work 2 days a week & the other day Tom looks after her. I just wish I didn't work at all. Bring on the maternity leave (only 4 months away).  I think what also makes it hard is because she has changed so much in the last 6 weeks. She's talking now but any of you who've had toddlers will know that when they first start talking it's usually only Mummy who understands at first so Granny will have an interesting day. I'm sure she'll figure it out ;).

The good news is I went to the hospital today & my blood pressure was pretty good, so everyone's happy. The other good news is I don't have to go back for 2 weeks. After going in weekly for the last few weeks I'm really glad. I still have to have my BP checked next week but I can go to the community midwife for that.  Rebekah will probably miss our weekly trips. She loves it!! Because I work there she gets loads of attention when we're there and they all know her by name now.  The last couple of visits she's cried when it's time to go! I wish I felt like that! Maybe she could go & do my 14hr shift tomorrow!! Hee hee.

Well I better go but I'll let you know how it goes at work tomorrow. There's been a lot of changes while I've been off so I think I'm probably a bit nervous too which doesn't help my emotions. Hey ho. I'm sure it'll be fine. 

Ramblings about motherhood & Rebekah

As the title suggests, this post is pretty much just going be about  motherhood & Rebekah. If you don't like parents who gush about how wonderful their kids are then this definitely won't be for you! There will probably be a bit of brutal honesty in it too!!

I never realised how much being a mother would change me until I became one. When I got married people told be how marriage identifies how selfish you are but motherhood identifies a whole set of flaws that have been hiding in the back of the closet for goodness knows how long!! Selfishness is not one of them though because I don't think it's possible to be selfish & care for a newborn!! You'd be in big trouble if you tried that!! I have however, learnt what a short temper I have. Whether it's snapping at Tom unnecessarily or over-reacting when looking after Rebekah, it's horrible and I don't like it at all!! I also worry in a way I never did before. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I have worried about Rebekah. Not in an abnormal way ( I wouldn't describe myself as a worrier) but in a protective, maternal way I guess (if you spoke to Tom he might have a different perspective... I think neurotic might spring to mind. Hee hee) I think having been a gynae nurse & now working as a midwife didn't help with the normal pregnancy anxiety. I know far too much about what can go wrong in pregnancy. Gynae gave me a totally unrealistic view on early pregnancy & it's various complications & midwifery... Well lets just say that working in a specialist high-risk unit like I do doesn't help one focus on 'normal' pregnancy.

Unfortunately from 12weeks, 'normal' was not a term used to describe me & overnight I became 'high-risk'. For those of you who don't know me, I developed very high blood pressure (bp) when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Rebekah (and history has repeated itself in this pregnancy). I was started on medication immediately and was very closely monitored. This scared the life out of me. I was terrified I was getting pre-eclampsia & had visions of 'crash sections' (emergency cesarean) at a hideously early gestation.  I had to constantly remind myself to be rational and to trust God.  Many people were praying for me & as I mentioned in an earlier post I was able to come off medication for most of the 2nd half of my pregnancy (which is totally abnormal as in pregnancy, blood pressure usually rises from 20 weeks not falls). This was a total answer to my prayers. I remember when I first became ill one of my friends asked me specifically what she could pray for & I said "please pray that I won't have to take these drugs for the rest of my pregnancy". I hated the idea of my baby being pumped with drugs & I wanted more than anything to come off them. She, herself had also suffered with high bp & pre-eclampsia so could relate to what I was going through. She responded by saying "Eleanor, you do realise that in reality you will have to increase the medication you're on as the pregnancy progresses, not come off?" I knew this but as I said to her "If anyone can do it, God can" and he did!!!

I stayed off medication until approx 33/34 weeks and within 2-3weeks of going back on it I'd had it increased, a second drug added, was admitted to hospital, developed pre-eclampsia & gave birth naturally (drug free I might add!!) to my beautiful precious Rebekah. She was perfect. Even as I write this now I get tearful as I remember it all. Her growth was never affected by my bp or the drugs and aside from the fact she was a nightmare to breastfeed in the beginning you'd never know she was a 36 weeker.

I was in hospital for 11days before and after she was born. It was a long time, I HATED it before she was born!! I was lonely, bored & cried a lot!! But, I must say, now when I think back to the time after she was born I treasure it!! It was such a precious time. At night it was just Rebekah and I and I loved getting to know her and doing everything for her. In the day time Tom would come and together we fell in love with our baby girl. It was hard to not all be together (probably worse for poor Tom who had to leave us every evening) but both Tom and I remember that time very fondly. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone since then & that we're gonna be doing all again in the spring!! YAY!! In spite of the problems I have, I LOVE BEING PREGNANT!!!

Since Rebekah was born our lives have changed dramatically. I'm sure it has been hard at times but I think I look at it with rose-coloured glasses once we come out of each difficult phase... Breastfeeding difficulties, colic, teething etc. But every day I learn something new about her and watching her character develop is amazing. Any 'bad day' we have is nearly always outweighed by how much fun she is. We were very blessed as he was an easy baby who wasn't particularly grumpy & only really cried when something was wrong. But let me tell you when she cried, half the street could hear!!

Yesterday I wrote about how emotional and hormonal I was... All my worries about the day ahead were for nothing (Andrea you were so right!!) and we had a fab day. Rebekah makes me laugh and laugh!! She has a great sense of humour and as she is learning to talk and communicate more we just have a lot of fun.  I find I love her more each day! My mum always says to me "now you have Rebekah you know how much I love you & Miriam (my sister)". Then she always laughs because she says every time she says I have a look on my face that says "you don't love us like I love Rebekah!!" Ha ha ha. It's true and I bet every parent reading this thinks the same. We all think our children are the best and we love them the most & I don't think that's a bad thing. Another thing my Mum used to say was that she was amazed how much you can love your children but how wonderful bed time is!!! How true. Sometimes I am so tired & if Rebekah has had an especially feisty day, I love it when she gets in bed & Tom and I have time alone. Other times however, like last night, I miss her like crazy when she's asleep & I secretly hope she'll wake up so I can have a cuddle with a warm sleepy toddler. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I better go now before I bore you all to sleep and before my girl wakes up from her nap. It's Friday afternoon so we're off into town to meet Tom from work & have a coffee or dinner together as a family to kick-start our weekend.