Supper Club (& a brief catch up first)

Well it's been a busy few days & I can't believe I haven't blogged since Thursday!! Between working Friday & Sunday (which actually were both pretty good shifts) & a family day out on Saturday I just haven't had the time or the energy.

On Saturday we went to The Baby Show as a family. I really enjoyed myself & we even bought a new double buggy. Tom had taken quite a bit of persuasion to go as he thought we were just paying to go shopping. He doesn't really like shopping at the best of times.  So after a lot of persuading off we went. Since before I was even pregnant I knew which buggy I wanted so even though it's expensive, when I saw it with a HUGE discount we snapped it up. It's the Phil & Teds sport so we'll be able to start using it straight away for Rebekah then convert it to a double when baby arrives. It's perfect because I use public transport or walk everywhere I need something fairly small. Check it out here. We got it in red.

At our church we have recently started a 'Supper Club' on a Sunday evening.  The church is opened up for some of the local homeless people or anyone who needs a hot meal.  The food is cooked by various members of the church & it's another opportunity to reach out to the local community. Last night I helped out & I wanted to share what happened.

I didn't really know what to expect when I went last night. It was only the second week so only a few people have been coming. I expected to just go down, help serve food, eat dinner with the people who came, clear up & go home. What I wasn't expecting was the emotional response that went on inside myself.

I was talking to a guy from our church who has recently come out of a christian drug & alcohol rehab program. He & his girlfriend have been coming to our church for a few months now & we were just chatting and sharing our experiences of addiction when the first men arrived for dinner. I have never personally struggled with addiction but I have experienced it first hand through my Dad & my ex-boyfriend.  For those of you who have ever loved someone who is struggling with addictions you will know how hard it is to watch that person damage themselves and those that love them & there is nothing you can do.  The lies & deceit, being constantly let down, not being able to trust the person you love the most is indescribable & I can honestly say that my experiences with my Dad & my ex have been the most painful times  in my whole life. Even as I sit & write this I feel physically sick remembering some of those feelings.  But thankfully I serve a God who can break the chains of addiction and bring healing, which he has done & now all those sad memories & feelings live in the past.  Without Him I don't know how I'd have got through those times. 

Anyway, as  we were chatting these men arrived for their dinner. One was so drunk he could hardly walk so the other led his friend to the table & they sat down.  I don't know whether it was talking about my past or being pregnant but within a few minutes of these men arriving I felt like I had to get out of there!  There was no feeling of compassion or love for these men I just felt sick & scared. I thought I was going to break down & cry in the middle of the hall.  It was like being in a room with my Dad when he was at his very worst. Homeless, smelly & very drunk. The smell of these men took me straight back about 10years & I did not like it or think I could handle it.  My Dad is thankfully not totally like this anymore.  He is not homeless &  although he is still an alcoholic  I do not see have to see him that way. One of the things that I respect most about my Dad is that when he comes to visit me & Rebekah he doesn't drink. He has told me before that he stops drinking the day before.  It means a lot to me as I have no intention of ever letting my children see him the way I used to have to.  We see him every couple of months.

I was not expecting any kind of reaction like that & I was shocked. As I said before I have no idea what caused it & when Tom & I were talking about it later we couldn't work it out. I've worked with homeless, alcoholics in the past & it's never bothered me but last night...

I managed to get over it pretty quickly & by the time we'd served the food I went over & joined them at their table to eat with them & it was fine & I even enjoyed myself. I guess I learnt that however healed your heart has been there are still things that can trigger old feelings & emotions.  It's not necessarily a bad thing. After all it is often our experiences that help to shape us.  You just need to pick yourself up, keep your eyes firmly fixed on Jesus & not dwell on them or give them a foothold again.

On lighter note if MckMama does a link for 'Not me Monday' I will post again later, otherwise I'll be back tomorrow!

Trust

I just wanted to share something quickly before I go to bed...

From Friday evening 'til yesterday afternoon I had a pounding headache. Sounds like a pretty normal thing, I'm sure some of you are thinking. Not in my world when I'm pregnant. I don't usually get headaches anyway & when I get them in pregnancy it usually only means one thing... My blood pressure is up!!

 I couldn't face a trip to the hospital so I drank lots of water (in case it was dehydration) took some paracetamol (Tylenol) and hoped for the best. If it cleared, no trip to the hospital, if not... I'd need to go in to get checked over. I hate going in, I always worry I might be wasting their time & as I work there I know how busy it is. 

Anyway, thankfully it cleared but while I waited for the paracetamol to work I realised I don't actually know what I'd do if my BP had gone up & I needed more medication. I would be so shocked. I realised then, that I am totally relying on having an identical pregnancy to last time. I am trusting  that God will make everything run smoothly now 'til the end, He will look after us like He did with Rebekah. This may sound great but if I am completely honest I'm not sure it is real trust. A total lay myself at the foot of the cross/relinquish all control trust. I just believe it because the alternative doesn't bare thinking about & I'm not sure I can handle it.

This is actually a scary place to be & I would feel a lot safer if I just jumped head first into His hands and fully relied on Him. He is after all the Great Physician. I know all of this in my head but boy is it hard to practice in my heart! I know how he looked after me last time but at the beginning of this pregnancy when I was worried my BP might go up, everyone said "you'll be fine... look what happened last time... you have such a testimony" etc I secretly worried... "what if he doesn't choose to do the same again?" I have learnt through personal experience and reading some of the other blogs that although I serve an AWESOME GOD who has saved me & loves me, that bad things happen!!! He doesn't always do things the way we want. I know He can heal me, I know He has raised the dead to life but I also know He doesn't have to.

 So... where does that leave me? Well... it leaves me no choice but to leap, head-first into His hands and rest in my Fathers arms. Fully rely on Him & spend a lot more time in His presence, His word, relinquish all control to Him & learn to completely trust Him with my life & my health. Then, no matter what happens I will know He will carry me through the easy & hard times.  I will not be alone.

When I shared all this with a wonderful christian colleague of mine (who, by the way, is totally unaware of what a blessing she is to me!!!) she gave me a verse which I will leave you with & totally sums up how I feel/what I need. For, I have no other choice...  

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit". Romans 15:13

Who we are...

It's nap time in our house (which is a wonderful time of the day as all you parents out there will know) so I thought I'd sit down and let you know a bit about us...

We are a Jesus loving, Bible believing, growing family of 3 and a bump.  We live in a pretty run down inner city area in the North of England which is undergoing much needed regeneration. Tom & I met when we both moved here in the summer of 2001 to join Eden which is a urban community based christian youth project. 2 years later we were married and we are still here, part of the community.  Tom is my wonderful husband. He's 26 and works as a radio producer &  presenter for a Christian radio station. I am 30 (just) and am a midwife when I'm not home looking after our daughter. Rebekah is our beautiful daughter. She's 20 months now and what a fun age!!! She's starting to talk and exert her Independence. She is very strong-willed (like both her parents) and a little chatterbox (like her Mummy). Her favourite thing to do is read (like Daddy) and if everyone is busy she will happily read to herself or her teddies. Our latest addition, 'Bump' is currently 13weeks and due to make an appearance on the 5th of May 2009. I love the idea of a 'May baby' but if Rebekah was anything to go by we'll be meeting 'bump'  a bit earlier!

I LOVE being pregnant!!! However, pregnancy does not love me. I have 'high risk' pregnancies due to my blood pressure. In both pregnancies my blood pressure (bp) has gone through the roof at 12weeks. Last time, in spite of this, Rebekah was born safe and well at 36wks. This was against many peoples expectations & I firmly believe this was the power of prayer. In fact I even got a break from the medication for a couple of months in the middle!! This is not normal. Anyway, a week ago I started on the medication after being in & out of the hospital over 3 days.

I don't know what will happen this time around, will I be "lucky" like last time. I sincerely hope & pray I will but at this point I have no other choice but to willingly place my health and my baby in my heavenly Fathers arms and trust Him. 

Some of you reading this, probably think I'm crazy but after following God for so many years I can truthfully say that through the good & the bad & all the highs & lows life has thrown at me I wouldn't be the person I am if I had not completely placed my life in His hands. It's sometimes scary, don't get me wrong, but it's certainly the safest place to be, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be!!