From Friday evening 'til yesterday afternoon I had a pounding headache. Sounds like a pretty normal thing, I'm sure some of you are thinking. Not in my world when I'm pregnant. I don't usually get headaches anyway & when I get them in pregnancy it usually only means one thing... My blood pressure is up!!
I couldn't face a trip to the hospital so I drank lots of water (in case it was dehydration) took some paracetamol (Tylenol) and hoped for the best. If it cleared, no trip to the hospital, if not... I'd need to go in to get checked over. I hate going in, I always worry I might be wasting their time & as I work there I know how busy it is.
Anyway, thankfully it cleared but while I waited for the paracetamol to work I realised I don't actually know what I'd do if my BP had gone up & I needed more medication. I would be so shocked. I realised then, that I am totally relying on having an identical pregnancy to last time. I am trusting that God will make everything run smoothly now 'til the end, He will look after us like He did with Rebekah. This may sound great but if I am completely honest I'm not sure it is real trust. A total lay myself at the foot of the cross/relinquish all control trust. I just believe it because the alternative doesn't bare thinking about & I'm not sure I can handle it.
This is actually a scary place to be & I would feel a lot safer if I just jumped head first into His hands and fully relied on Him. He is after all the Great Physician. I know all of this in my head but boy is it hard to practice in my heart! I know how he looked after me last time but at the beginning of this pregnancy when I was worried my BP might go up, everyone said "you'll be fine... look what happened last time... you have such a testimony" etc I secretly worried... "what if he doesn't choose to do the same again?" I have learnt through personal experience and reading some of the other blogs that although I serve an AWESOME GOD who has saved me & loves me, that bad things happen!!! He doesn't always do things the way we want. I know He can heal me, I know He has raised the dead to life but I also know He doesn't have to.
So... where does that leave me? Well... it leaves me no choice but to leap, head-first into His hands and rest in my Fathers arms. Fully rely on Him & spend a lot more time in His presence, His word, relinquish all control to Him & learn to completely trust Him with my life & my health. Then, no matter what happens I will know He will carry me through the easy & hard times. I will not be alone.
When I shared all this with a wonderful christian colleague of mine (who, by the way, is totally unaware of what a blessing she is to me!!!) she gave me a verse which I will leave you with & totally sums up how I feel/what I need. For, I have no other choice...
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit". Romans 15:13