Ramblings updated

After re-reading my last post I realised I probably needed to clarify a couple of things. When I said that being selfish and looking after a newborn are impossible I didn't mean that I'm never selfish. I can be incredibly selfish but when Rebekah was born it was not an option. Newborns are totally reliant on their parents to look after them. When Rebekah was hungry, had a dirty nappy, trapped wind, or just needed a cuddle, I couldn't ignore her because I wanted to do something else. I had to just tend to her needs. 

This honestly didn't feel like a sacrifice.  I was so in love with my baby I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do than hang out with her & Tom or do things.  I got far more enjoyment in buying little things for her than for myself.  I love buying presents anyway so I think that's probably one of my 'love languages'. 

I loved that when she was hungry I was the only one that could feed her. I used to say I'd express milk and Tom could feed her but we only did that once. Tom never felt that he needed to feed her, he has always given her a bath every day and there are always nappies to change so there was plenty to keep him involved. When I offered to express so he could feed her he kindly said "no, thank you". He always said he knew I was happy to express for him but he also said he knew how special it was to me to feed her & he didn't want to take that way from me. Both Rebekah & I loved breastfeeding (in fact she only self-weaned in the last month). It was such a precious time. Yes, she always wanted feeding the moment Tom finished making our dinner, but, after eating a few cold dinners I learnt to feed & eat at the same time (not much comes between me & my food!). It also meant I couldn't go out before she went to bed & I always had to make sure I was back before she'd wake for her next feed but in the scheme of things it's not really much of a sacrifice & it probably only lasted a year. After months of breastfeeding, Rebekah wouldn't take a bottle anyway so it wasn't an option. Why have a bottle of breastmilk when you can have it direct eh?

After 20 months I admit that there are plenty of times where I think how much I'd like a day to just do what I like. Sleep late, read all day, watch what I want on tv, go shopping on my own, eat when I like and not have to think about nap time, meal times, healthy meals etc but I can't. As much as the selfish part of me would like to just be selfish this is not an option. At the end of the day I am a Mother first and Rebekah & the 'bump's' needs have to come first.

Tom was listening to a sermon this week on parenting by Ted Tripp and he was saying (this is somewhat paraphrased) that your children are only young for a small percentage of your life so aren't they worth laying down/sacrificing your hobbies etc to commit to spending time with your family? This is not to say that you can never take time for yourself but you can not expect to spend a lot of time doing things you like when you have a young family. When your kids are grown up there will be plenty of time for that.

Sorry, this update has become more of another ramble rather that an update but I hope I've managed to get my feelings across and you understand what I meant. I am definitely better at expressing myself by talking (which I do a lot of) than writing.